a {rebel} without a blog

Hi.
I'm back.
I went away for a little while.   (like 6 weeks awhile) I do this sometimes. 
I'm OK.  Really. I am.   I just got a little behind with the self-imposed writing deadlines and weeklies, and then I got busy, and then I went on vacation, and, and, and... I can't lie, I felt an uncomfortable amount pressure to keep this blog up and I didn't like it.  I love to write.   I do.   I love to converse, text, talk, read, watch, listen...share. Right now though...I'm kind of (fill in the blank)  pensive.   Yeah, that's the word.   I'm in such a different place in my life and in my head than I was last time this year. But, there are so many things on my plate, so many pressures that have to be met:  work, bills, fitness, family obligations, speed limits when there's a really damn good fast song on! I just can't get out of some of those, so I went and got out of the one that I could control.    I could stop writing.  I have power over that.   Yeah, I think not writing has been my rebellion.  Does that make sense at all?  I became a rebel without a blog.   All the while, the that tiny small voice was telling me: Why are you giving up the one thing you really love? It's your outlet. You know how you get when you bottle it all up inside.
 

{my kitchen blackboard and love notes to myself}

 

Getting back here hasn't been as easy as I thought. 

It should be like riding a bike, just get back on, right? That's what they say at least. I had to do a little bit of convincing. I had to romance myself with little sweet notes and reminders. I had to imagine that I needed inspiration to post something again. But really...I didn't have to do anything. I just had to sit down and start again.   So right now I'm liking the creative fury of my fingers dancing on this keyboard.
It's a familiar melody that needs to be played more often.   Getting back on the writing saddle is like anything else.  Showing up is half the battle but look, I'm already winning that one. I'm here.  I showed up.  I just gotta set some new rules so I don't find my way back to blank again. Or maybe I don't need rules, I just need some Hemingway:   There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. Ernest Hemingway <3

{Hi, I'm back.}

Lo made a {button}!

Knock one more off the to-do list! 

I finally made myself a lil' ol' blogger button!

It's here or on my sidebar if you want to swap. 

{uhh...still figuring out the sponsor/swap thing too}

I used {this} tutorial from Jade Louise Designs and found it to be really helpful.

It's not has hard as it looks, but still some trial & error for this gal. 

   

<a border="0" href=http://meandmybeautifulmess.blogspot.com/ " target="_blank"><img src="http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f234/lolo_h2o/bloggerbutton.jpg"/></a>

Slowly but surely, I'm working through all this blogger schtuff. 

Now to clean up this mess of a blog...yeah, yeah, I have plans you see. 

In time...in time...stay tuned.

Happy Hump day to you all, it's almost the weekend again!!!

{8} Fears

I'm running late today on this weekly entry so I'm gonna just lay it out there  and try not think too hard about these. 
I'm just gonna type until my fingers are done ...cause right now, tonight,  I think my heart and my head have some things to say. A lot of things.
Lauren & Tiffany, you asked, here you go:

  First off, I wouldn't say that I'm a really fearful person.  I'd say I'm kind of brave. I do a lot of stuff on my own.   I don't think it's a broken sense of security.
Quite opposite, in fact, I am pretty aware of my surroundings - more than most I'd say  I think that's by being the oldest, by being independent from an early age,  and by being in law enforcement for so many years.
I was raised in a family and by parents who had a strong faith in God and so do I.  I have a solid foundation that doesn't forsake me even when I ignore it. (Say it with an accent now) I am a God fearin' woman.  Yes, indeed I am.  I saw this today and thought it was perfect for this week's 10 Day You Challenge

 {via Facebook}
I know who I am, I'm not afraid of making mistakes,  I'm not afraid of learning things the hard way. I'm learning a lot about myself lately.

This next picture is a few years old.  

A good friend of mine, who knows me well, put this on my locker at work one day. 

I read it and remember distinctly recognizing for maybe one of the first times in my short life that 

the way I carried myself, the things I did and stood for, they were noticed. 

I remember distinctly being proud that someone would think this of me. 

I remember not wanting to lose that label of fearless.

This is one of the best compliments I've ever received.

I haven't read any of the other girl's lists in the link up yet today.   I didn't on purpose.   I didn't want their lists to influence mine. I wanted to really think about this. 
So here's my list of {fears}: 
1) Sharks Seriously, do I even have to explain this one?  Shark Week people.   'Nuff said. (but, guess what? a shark cage dive is on my bucket list. I will confront this fear. Someday.)
which leads me to...
2) large bodies of water they're beautiful, but it makes me get all panicky and nervous knowing that  I can't see or feel or know what is lurking, and swimming, and slinking about at the bottom. Nuh-uh, not gonna dew it.   Nope. NO. Negative.
also...I fear them because I don't want to 
3) Drown(ing) also...do I have to explain this one?  *shudder* *cough* *sputter*
4) Intruders I live alone. I don't like the things that go bump in the night. There's only so much a girl can do armed with a big dog and a cell phone.  I think it's worse cause I know first hand the intruder stories.  Meh.  Not cool at all.  I've been thinking about my 2nd Amendment Rights a lot lately. 
5) Heights - that is a fear that seems to increase with my age for some reason.   I don't like glass bottom elevators, I don't like looking over multi story balconies.  I get sweaty palms and my heart races and I want to go pee pee in my pants.
6) Spiders...to an extent, seeing them I'm ok... having them crawl on or around me, no, no, NO.
{story time} I had spider crawl up my dress once...I was sitting on the ground.  In about 1/2 nanosecond, I was up, I was screaming shrieking, I threw a pillow and I jumped up and down like I was a 3 year old in a bouncy house. I have a witness, he'll tell you it was true, but what he won't tell you and didn't tell me for like a year, is that he's afraid of spiders too. Ah-ha!!!!   Chicken.   Ok, so can we get real for a second.  Like really, real? 
  7) and we shall label this <3? I fear I will never be in love again. Like puppy dog kind of, head over heels, mutual (key word),  in love with your best friend kind of love.  Yeah.  It seems like a ghost or a dream or a fable. 
and last, but most definitely not least
8) Settling I fear that I'll settle and the thought of that damn near makes me ill. Like physically sick.  I see it all the time.  Personally, professionally...it's an epidemic.
I don't wanna settle for good not great ~ Brad Paisley
This isn't me being judgmental, this is me standing in the midst of this shit storm we call society's take on commitment and relationships and screaming at the top of my lungs but feeling like no one is hearing me.
So... it's funny or acceptable to see people cheat, lie, and degrade each other? It's ok to see people lie to themselves and not intervene? Stop the train wreck. I mean there's whole talk shows and "reality" shows that have that as the main story line. Marriage is, what? A trend? A phase?

Source: Uploaded by user via Lauren on Pinterest

I guess it's a double edged sword, swing too far to cautious  and  you risk never taking a chance on anyone and missing out on...your destiny?  Eh.  Swing too far the other way and you're in love every 5 seconds and it's cry wolf. 
Listen, I've been there,  on the other end of the phone listening to the stories scratching my head wondering what it is about love that makes people lose all sense of self and logic, then again in the bridesmaid's dress fully supportive on the outside while inside saying "noooo, don't do it!", and then finally with a shoulder to lean on and a spare bedroom to offer when it all comes tumbling down. 
Don't call me and expert by any means,  but more often than not, the writing is always on the wall.   They say when you know, you know.   And well, if you're just still standing there guessing cause you think it's better than nothing, or it's comfortable, or it's been long enough so it's do or die...even when there's that nagging voice of doubt, well listen to it and don't.   Don't do it.  Don't settle.  Please.  Save you, save me, save us all.  For the love of...LoVe.  *sigh* I read } this { recently and I really appreciated it.  
From a woman who lived and loved in a generation that made something of what they had, this is some tried and true expertise.  I don't know Grandma Carol, but I like her.  Honorable mentions: 
There's a couple of things that came to mind that I realized  don't frighten me and I wanted to mention them. This is not a judgement on anyone else,  this is just my life's opinion as I've experienced it thus far. 
I'm in no way looking forward  or hoping either  of these to happen, but  if/when they might, I don't fear these and here's why: 
Losing loved ones - not because I don't love them dearly, but because I know that I tell them and show them on a regular basis.  I make the time.  I know it's precious. I have an aging family, this is a reality for me every day.  I have embraced it.   I can't be selfish enough to think that I can close my eyes and ignore it.
I am learning, damn near every day, to try again, to give second and third chances, to apologize, to make amends,  and to tell people that I value them and want and need  them in my life. I'm also learning when it's time to give up, give in, and let things go.  That lesson is just as hard as swallowing my pride and mending fences.

Source: s-kinnyl-ove.tumblr.com via M on Pinterest

Having a child with a serious or fatal illness - some of the strongest people I know have had children who have fought and won and unfortunately fought and lost  to cancer, Batten Disease, and other rare diseases that have no cures. 
 These children are every bit as valuable, precious, and worthy of love as any "healthy" child.   These children are some of the bravest fighters I have ever had the opportunity to meet. These children are warriors.   All they know is fight, every breath is a struggle, but they keep going.  They're resilient. They're an every day lesson in life and love. 
I don't wish it on anyone and I don't understand the unfairness,  but I don't fear the ability to love unconditionally those who are different, sick, or "incurable".
So, loss, I don't willingly embrace it, but I understand it's purpose in life. 
I have said my goodbyes when the time has come,  I have listened and watched for the last few breaths,  I have felt the breathless sobs of the loved ones left behind, embraced the outstretched arms,  felt the relentless tears roll down off of cheeks and soak through the clothing that drapes my shoulders.   I've been there, felt it, comforted it, cursed it, denied it, and finally accepted it. 
And...if you're still here at the end of this long dissertation I just wrote,  I will give more honorable mention to these other "non-fears" cause we need some levity! 
Financial ruin, credit card debt, body odor, running out of gas, passing gas in inappropriate situations, karaoke, public speaking, making a complete and total ass of your myself, having my heart broken, saying "I love you " and meaning it, stretch marks, acts of nature, flying, and ever increasing chin hair.   Yeah, whattadya gonna do?  Just roll with it! Come on, we have got to get through this together!!!!
Next week...{7} Wants
I might, just might, go all Veruka Salt on you!!!
xOxoXoxOXoooX
XO ,
PS - I feel better now.  I do.  Writing.  Makes some of the funk go away.

{Versatile} Blogger

"Ladies and gentlemen of the Grand Jury"
*ahem* wait...
"I'd like to thank the Academy..."
oh no...wrong one again...hold up: 
"Dear John, ..."
Ok, ok, ok...no really, I got nominated! 
For the  *drumroll* Versatile Blogger Award!
by Nelly (AKA PartyMom) at Mom With An Agenda to Save {Nelly was my Grandma's name, gotta love it already!}

This award is a fun way for bloggers to share their favorite blogs  and to promote promising new blogs .
If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.
The VBA Rules: 

•  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
•  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy.
•  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. 
•  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award.
•  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself

 I am paying it forward and nominating these ladies (I have 16, shhh don't tell!): 
Mellissa @ Kitchen.Garden.Love Jennifer @ My Not So Glamorous Life Lady A @ Anonymous A Ashley @ All Things Ashley  Angela @ Just a City Girl with Tractor Envy  Erin @ Shades of Gray and a Pinch of Pink Jill @ Ernestine Edna and Her Really Big Ideas Sippy Cups and Pearls Jodi @ Jod a la Mode  Lauren @ Tennessee Honey The Divvy Spot  Michelle @ All That Glitta & Blang Kayla Lynn @ Simple Bliss Tanya @ Knowing Tanya Jessica @ Where Simplicity Meets Complexity  Elizabeth @ Port of Thoughts 
Ok, so for 7 things about moi: 
* I am the oldest of 3 kids, my brother who ran across the country,  and my sister who is in school to be an RN * I am a 911 operator /Police/Fire dispatcher * I am Fillipino/Irish/German/Swiss * I really love salsa (well good salsa that is) * When I was in high school, I loved the Fugees,  so for about 6 months I spelled my name Lauryn after Lauryn Hill  * I bought/live in the house I grew up in * my hair right now is the longest it's been probably since I was a kid   and I <3 it !

{overload}

I'm going to try and keep this as simple as I can. 

Wish me luck.

I'm usually pretty positive here in this blog about my life full of "hopes, dreams, and dresses", and yes, I do try and make adventures out of my weekends whenever I can if for nothing but nostalgia's sake

...but...

I'm not that cut and dry. 

(and if you know me at all, you know that I am anything but simple)

It's not all Instagrammy goodness and chevron striped dresses.

{abeautifulmessinside.com}

I'm tired. {graveyard shift work is not friendly}

I'm on overload. {mostly self imposed a because "no" isn't in my vocabulary as much as it should be}

I don't feel particularly enlightened lately. {but I don't feel like completely giving up either}

What's gnawing at me?

Well a few things...

 I'm the queen of multi-tasking but even I get overwhelmed from time to time. 

First off...

I am not new to blogging or writing at all, but it was always just a solo-singularity catharsis for me.

The social circus that come along with this new round of blogging has proved to be a bit daunting for me - both for being new to it and trying to jump in with both feet.

Before I get ahead of myself, by circus, I don't mean that with one bit of insult. 

 Heck the circus is pretty damn entertaining, but imagine being a kid there for the first time not knowing what to expect...lions roaring, clowns, dancing bears, acrobats, majestic elephants, dancing ponies, cotton candy and bags full of popcorn. 

Sensory.Overload.

If you're in the Blogger world, you should totally get what I'm talking about.

There's so much incredible content out there, so many bloggers doing amazing things, 

so many niches, photography, DIY, how-to, link ups, coffee dates, Wordless Wednesdays, Meatless Mondays, Thoughtful Thursdays, Instagram Fridays. 

 I look at all these incredible blogs and I don't get green with envy,

but I get a little bit yellow with wonder. 

 How do you do it all?  How do you ladies (and gentlemen) manage to work, take care of your families, your spouses, your charities, your hobbies, go to church, exercise, run marathons, bake cookies, and write about it nearly every day. 

How do you, how do you...???


The bills...
because they're totally piled up, I'm just trying to keep afloat, and as much as I love (can I say LOVE) having my space all to myself and now that "my place" so much more of a reflection of me than it ever has been before, I think I'm going to have to take on a roommate to get things straightened out for awhile.

My heart is...
well, I'm not gonna keep going all Taylor Swift with that thing
 1) that's just not me and 2)  I've {mostly} resolved that I am not the keeper of my destiny, there's a plan out there, and like Steve Job's says, you cannot see the dots connecting in the future, only when you look back, but you have to believe in it, in the plan, in whatever you choose to call it.
 I call it my Faith in God.

In the meantime, I do what I can do.
I set new boundaries.
&

I pray. 

{this is a force of calm in my chaotic everyday}

My body is tired exhausted.
I put myself on blast last week about my lack of fitness goals and regimen, and while I've had the most amazing support from my friends, my body is in that initial shock phase where all my muscles and joints are doing the collective WTF?! every time I move or lift something heavier than Styrofoam cup. 

I'll get over it, muscle memory is an impressive thing, and I'm actually craving a workout now, but I'm safely tucked away at work and at 6am when I get off, sleep will come knocking again before the gym does.
I'll get there soon enough.  I'm on a mission now, it's not just a pit stop.

{one of my favorite new finds, abeautifulmessinside.com
if not for the name alone, I found her recently and love  her site and her daily Facebook pick me ups.}  

I'm not looking for sympathy, so please save that for someone else who actually might really need it.

I'm just venting. 

I'm just trying to leave it all on the proverbial floor here on this blog. 

 Like in yoga studio, where I find I think so clearly, not just on the surface, but down in the depths of the what's bothering me.  

The heart of the problem. 

I think & I stretch & I sweat.

{from abeautifulmessinside.com}

I find that I keep seeing the same messages coming at me just a word or two at at time.
So, I am going to type them out right here and right now.

Because just like my fitness confession, breathing life into these simple words here for my little part of the world to see, well, it places them on a platform.  

Exposes them to the light of understanding. 

It gives them life.

Simplify. 

Be still.

Sleep.

Rest.

Let it be.

{just breathe}

~ Lauren 

WIWW: chevrons & {scriptures}

So, I simply cannot NOT share my favorite new piece of Summer attire with y'all. 

I have to confess I've worn this skirt three times now since I got it 10 days ago. 

I love this chevron print, the fabric is totally breezy and comfortable for these 100*+ days we've been having in California this last week. 

{blue tank - from last season - & grey chevron maxi skirt both Old Navy}

I really love chevron print anything right now in a serious, serious way. 

It matches with everything, and it is just flat out slimming. 

{yeah, yeah, I didn't get a booty shot, but let me just say that it will make your bum look good, which is nice cause there's that ol' rule about stripes making you wider.  Not so, just not the case with this skirt I tell ya!}

I even did Old Navy a solid and wrote them the first review on it {here}.

Really, at under $25 and then with a few coupon codes, I think this new fave was under $20 and free shipping too.  I love it!

{playing in new wine barrel planter, teal feather earrings from Charlotte Russe}

Outside of that, my long standing favorite trend for the last few years, is feather bling. 

I just think they're cool & funky, total dress up or dress down. 

{spotted feather necklace from Charlotte Russe}

Outside of jabbering about my new duds & feathers, I am still working on finding that balance between being in the moment and present in the day and finding a way to keep writing, taking pictures, and blogging.  Capturing words and images to share with the world has been a passion of mine for years now, but blogging for the last 4 years was really just for me as a therapy.

This blog now is a new chapter in my crazy life, My {beautiful} Mess. 

Since I've been branching out, linking up, and sharing my thoughts and daily inspirations, I've made some great new friends:

(Melissa @ Life of A Not So Ordinary Wife) & (Sharon @ MamasteNYC),

and come to find out all this writing has inspired

my IRL (In Real Life) friends to start or get back to writing again too. 

{pin}

Lynn (who just gets me)

Mellissa (my "Sisterwife")

Stefanie (who knows my dramas and always makes me smile)

&

Gail  (busy mama/good friend who was going to give up on writing until I started sharing)

I had been thinking about staring a new blog for a few months now, but a series of personal dramas, disappointments, and well, just life's daily challenges really prompted me to get back into it {and praying!!} sooner rather than later.

In perusing all the great blogs that I've found lately, I started seeing side bar links to

I wanted to get in on the next Daily Devo and well, just today they've started a new one,
{I Will Hear You}
This is exactly what I've been doing on my own and needing lately, so it's so much greater to have a group of other's to do this with and help keep me on track.

So now on top of doing the #julyphotoaday challenge I'm going to do my best to keep up with all the ladies @SheReadsTruth

Looking forward to keep on keeping up with everyone. 

Stay cool, stay classy, stay connected.

~ Lauren

{refinishing}

on the tail of my long weekend, as I stepped out of the shower and into my uniform for the long graveyard shift that awaited me, I had this thought:

I feel like an old piece of furniture right now

I have a great base, strong structure, I'm made of good, solid materials that will endure the test of time

but I feel like I'm in need of some TLC lately

someone to strip down all those layers of old lacquer and buff out the dings & dents collected over the years

someone with the care to make the grain shine again

refinishing

{and I know of Someone who was a carpenter}

I know a little bit about refinishing myself

in highschool, when I had no nagging to-do lists and to much time during the Summer,

I took on a couple of refinishing projects

I have a couple of those pieces in my house still

I know what it's like to brush on the layers of paint thinner

 to wait and then scrape off the layers of paint and gloss

to go into the cracks and details with small tools to remove all the gunk

to sand and buff, with the grain, maybe against it in some spots

to then to stand back after you clean it all up and see it for it's beauty, raw

but polish, polish just makes it shine a little bit better

it protects it from the elements

I'm no IKEA, I'm the piece you keep in the family

the one made with nails and not particle board pegs

the one that has a few stories in it's wear

the one that gets a by-line in the will

my "Structure" - I didn't forget it was there all this time, I just ignored it, pushed it away when it wasn't convenient, put it up in the rafters, tucked away out of sight out of mind

my heartache, he is made of some good materials too, he's got a lot of dents and dings, but funny thing is, even with the heartache that eventually came out of our relationship, he had no idea, probably doesn't still, but he was sanding me down in his own way

{pin}

funny thing, romantically, I told him that we'd be a good challenge for each other

that we'd be good pressure for each other

the kind of pressure that makes diamonds shine from the dust

he agreed

but, romantically, we never met on those grounds

 and now just lately I'm seeing it:

a complicated but consistent friendship, turned unrequited love, now a long, awkward silence, not sure if it will ever return again, but still laced with mutual respect and caring

= sandpaper

{ah-ha!}

he was never afraid to say Who he believed in,

that went against the grain of the others his age & in this day in our singledom

I noticed and that made me comfortable to talk about Him too

in talking about Him, Who is my Base and my Structure

I began talking directly to Him again

{out of the rafters, back into sight}

praying, I started praying again
praying daily
praying hard
praying with my whole heart


{these lyrics: ...I live here on my knees...
Something always brings me back to you}

 like any good paradox

when our friendship became my heartache

when my layers of shine got big cracks in it

  when the big dent in my structure felt like it was going to make me give way and start to teeter

having been reminded Who was in charge

by the very thing that had me feeling like crumbling,
I realized my strength

I remembered what I was made of

and now I pray for refinishing

my heartache isn't the only one sanding me into something new these days

I started really digging into this blogging thing in these last few weeks,

I've come across some other beautiful pieces of furniture.

 I read their stories, the words they're not afraid to share, the encouragment that they unapologetic-ally gave, I read between their lines, I pay attention to their details,  and I see the beauty of other well-made pieces, ones that are made of good materials, and will stand the test of time

these are the few that I have come across, just the few so far
{I'm sure that there are so many more that I'll come across soon}
 not to be gritty or adverse, but they, and probably without knowing and just by being their own proud, strong, and faithful selves, these ladies, by their testimony, have polished me as well:

 My favorite verse over the last couple of months, the one that applies making diamonds from dust:  

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

As is any good process, there is more work to be done,

but this piece {me} is here to stay and here to shine. 

xo ~ Lauren

{create} your own stage

I've been sitting on this idea of starting a new blog, a new chapter, a new reflection of me for a few months now.  I am no where new to blogging or writing.  It's been my therapy, my catharsis, my best friend for many, many years now.  However, as much of myself as I put into my own words, I've always felt safer not broadcasting my writings.  Mostly just for me, they've lived tucked away in HTML, stumbled upon by the few who would find me, and seen by only a handful that I had invited.  

But then, in becoming part of the blogger generation, I have read, followed, stalked, and admired so many other women (and men) who market themselves and share their words without reservation.  I have been encouraged by these familiar strangers, by my family, and my friends to share my gift of writing freely.  Unapologetically.  Proudly.

So, early this morning, before dawn, and after decidedly choosing my new title, Me & my {beautiful} mess, I wrote a new description of myself, my life, and my writing purpose.

Par for the course, with the Universe reinforcing that I was headed in the right direction once again, I paused this afternoon to sit down with my family for lunch, and when I cracked the cookie and saw this, my heart smiled.