Wednesday, August 29, 2012

{8} Fears

I'm running late today on this weekly entry so I'm gonna just lay it out there 
and try not think too hard about these. 

I'm just gonna type until my fingers are done
...cause right now, tonight, 
I think my heart and my head have some things to say.
A lot of things.

Lauren & Tiffany, you asked, here you go:
  First off, I wouldn't say that I'm a really fearful person. 
I'd say I'm kind of brave.
I do a lot of stuff on my own.  
I don't think it's a broken sense of security.

Quite opposite, in fact, I am pretty aware of my surroundings - more than most I'd say
 I think that's by being the oldest, by being independent from an early age, 
and by being in law enforcement for so many years.

I was raised in a family and by parents who had a strong faith in God and so do I. 
I have a solid foundation that doesn't forsake me even when I ignore it.
(Say it with an accent now) I am a God fearin' woman.  Yes, indeed I am. 
I saw this today and thought it was perfect for this week's 10 Day You Challenge

 {via Facebook}

I know who I am, I'm not afraid of making mistakes,
 I'm not afraid of learning things the hard way.
I'm learning a lot about myself lately.

This next picture is a few years old.  
A good friend of mine, who knows me well, put this on my locker at work one day. 
I read it and remember distinctly recognizing for maybe one of the first times in my short life that 
the way I carried myself, the things I did and stood for, they were noticed. 

I remember distinctly being proud that someone would think this of me. 
I remember not wanting to lose that label of fearless.
This is one of the best compliments I've ever received.

I haven't read any of the other girl's lists in the link up yet today.  
I didn't on purpose.  
I didn't want their lists to influence mine.
I wanted to really think about this. 

So here's my list of {fears}

1) Sharks
Seriously, do I even have to explain this one? 
Shark Week people.  
'Nuff said.
(but, guess what? a shark cage dive is on my bucket list.
I will confront this fear.

which leads me to...

2) large bodies of water
they're beautiful, but it makes me get all panicky and nervous knowing that 
I can't see or feel or know what is lurking, and swimming, and slinking about at the bottom.
Nuh-uh, not gonna dew it.  

also...I fear them because I don't want to 

3) Drown(ing) I have to explain this one? 

4) Intruders
I live alone. I don't like the things that go bump in the night.
There's only so much a girl can do armed with a big dog and a cell phone. 
I think it's worse cause I know first hand the intruder stories. 
Meh.  Not cool at all. 
I've been thinking about my 2nd Amendment Rights a lot lately. 

5) Heights - that is a fear that seems to increase with my age for some reason.  
I don't like glass bottom elevators, I don't like looking over multi story balconies. 
I get sweaty palms and my heart races and I want to go pee pee in my pants.

6) an extent, seeing them I'm ok...
having them crawl on or around me, no, no, NO.

{story time} I had spider crawl up my dress once...I was sitting on the ground.  In about 1/2 nanosecond, I was up, I was screaming shrieking, I threw a pillow and I jumped up and down like I was a 3 year old in a bouncy house. I have a witness, he'll tell you it was true, but what he won't tell you and didn't tell me for like a year, is that he's afraid of spiders too. Ah-ha!!!!  
Ok, so can we get real for a second.  Like really, real? 

  7) and we shall label this <3?
I fear I will never be in love again.
Like puppy dog kind of, head over heels, mutual (key word), 
in love with your best friend kind of love. 
Yeah.  It seems like a ghost or a dream or a fable. 

and last, but most definitely not least

8) Settling
I fear that I'll settle and the thought of that damn near makes me ill.
Like physically sick. 
I see it all the time. 
Personally,'s an epidemic.

I don't wanna settle for good not great ~ Brad Paisley

This isn't me being judgmental, this is me standing in the midst of this shit storm we call society's take on commitment and relationships and screaming at the top of my lungs but feeling like no one is hearing me.

So... it's funny or acceptable to see people cheat, lie, and degrade each other?
It's ok to see people lie to themselves and not intervene?
Stop the train wreck.
I mean there's whole talk shows and "reality" shows that have that as the main story line.
Marriage is, what? A trend? A phase?

I guess it's a double edged sword, swing too far to cautious 
and  you risk never taking a chance on anyone and missing out on...your destiny
Swing too far the other way and you're in love every 5 seconds and it's cry wolf. 

Listen, I've been there,  on the other end of the phone listening to the stories scratching my head wondering what it is about love that makes people lose all sense of self and logic, then again in the bridesmaid's dress fully supportive on the outside while inside saying "noooo, don't do it!", and then finally with a shoulder to lean on and a spare bedroom to offer when it all comes tumbling down. 

Don't call me and expert by any means, 
but more often than not, the writing is always on the wall.  
They say when you know, you know.  
And well, if you're just still standing there guessing cause you think it's better than nothing, or it's comfortable, or it's been long enough so it's do or die...even when there's that nagging voice of doubt, well listen to it and don't.  
Don't do it.  Don't settle.  Please. 
Save you, save me, save us all. 
For the love of...LoVe. 
I read } this { recently and I really appreciated it.  

From a woman who lived and loved in a generation that made something of what they had, this is some tried and true expertise.  I don't know Grandma Carol, but I like her. 
Honorable mentions: 

There's a couple of things that came to mind that I realized 
don't frighten me and I wanted to mention them.
This is not a judgement on anyone else, 
this is just my life's opinion as I've experienced it thus far. 

I'm in no way looking forward  or hoping either  of these to happen,
but  if/when they might, I don't fear these and here's why: 

Losing loved ones - not because I don't love them dearly, but because I know that I tell them and show them on a regular basis.  I make the time.  I know it's precious.
I have an aging family, this is a reality for me every day.  I have embraced it.  
I can't be selfish enough to think that I can close my eyes and ignore it.

I am learning, damn near every day, to try again, to give second and third chances, to apologize, to make amends, 
and to tell people that I value them and want and need  them in my life.
I'm also learning when it's time to give up, give in, and let things go. 
That lesson is just as hard as swallowing my pride and mending fences.

Having a child with a serious or fatal illness - some of the strongest people I know have had children who have fought and won and unfortunately fought and lost  to cancer, Batten Disease, and other rare diseases that have no cures. 

 These children are every bit as valuable, precious, and worthy of love as any "healthy" child.  
These children are some of the bravest fighters I have ever had the opportunity to meet.
These children are warriors.  
All they know is fight, every breath is a struggle, but they keep going. 
They're resilient. They're an every day lesson in life and love. 

I don't wish it on anyone and I don't understand the unfairness, 
but I don't fear the ability to love unconditionally those who are different, sick, or "incurable".

So, loss, I don't willingly embrace it, but I understand it's purpose in life. 

I have said my goodbyes when the time has come, 
I have listened and watched for the last few breaths, 
I have felt the breathless sobs of the loved ones left behind, embraced the outstretched arms,
 felt the relentless tears roll down off of cheeks and soak through the clothing that drapes my shoulders.  
I've been there, felt it, comforted it, cursed it, denied it, and finally accepted it. 

And...if you're still here at the end of this long dissertation I just wrote, 
I will give more honorable mention to these other "non-fears" cause we need some levity! 

Financial ruin, credit card debt, body odor, running out of gas, passing gas in inappropriate situations, karaoke, public speaking, making a complete and total ass of your myself, having my heart broken, saying "I love you " and meaning it, stretch marks, acts of nature, flying, and ever increasing chin hair.   Yeah, whattadya gonna do?  Just roll with it!
Come on, we have got to get through this together!!!!

Next week...{7} Wants

I might, just might, go all Veruka Salt on you!!!


XO ,

PS - I feel better now.  I do. 
Writing.  Makes some of the funk go away.


  1. Wow. Easily one of the best posts I read this week. I love that last quote about fear not stopping death. Excellent post.

    On a light note, not a big fan of water eh? :-) Sharks, bodies of water, and drowning. No ocean time for you (until you go cage diving of course)

    1. And not that you have to be the first one to link up but I am not lying when I looked at the link list after it filled up a bit and looked for your name...I was like, I wonder what she will write. Haha like that? How I just assume I can read your awesome answers? haha....

    2. Awwww!!! That's sweet...I'm glad the things that come dumping out of my heart speak to someone besides just me. I'm totally digging this You's a great writing prompt for me lately and I need some inspiration to funnel all this stuff I've got going on right now.

      Next week...I think it'll be awesome! :)

  2. i love your list Lauren!!

    I have a huge fear of sharks and large bodies of water as well - I think it may be all of the times I watched JAWS over and over and over again when I was younger.
    I am terrified of even getting into a swimming pool alone.

    ya, i need some help probably.....


    1. Thanks girlie...I'll put on floaties and hold your hand into the pool with ya!

  3. I really love this. It made me think about things I like to avoid...and brought tears before I even got out of bed today...

    1. Isn't it easy to avoid stuff...I think I do an ok job with it sometimes. Not all the time...a little cry in the morning is ok. As long as it's not every day :) You should link up for the challenge...I think you can still get your submission in for another day or so.

  4. "Fear does not stop death...It stops life"

    I watched as my mother-in-life, because of intense fear of EVERYTHING, slowly endure a boring, sad, lonely life until she died. I vowed after that to never allow fear from stopping me from trying new things, taking plunges (even in shark infested, dark water) and to love big! It's not easy, you may have your heart broken, at times it hurts so much you aren't sure you are going to live through it but I wouldn't have it any other way. My soul aches for adventure, the unknown, the different...I would be killing my very spirit if I allowed fear to get in the way.

    Beautiful, exactly what I needed to hear today, post!

    1. The shark infested, dark waters of life...ooohhh, yes, perfectly said...thanks for the words my friend!

  5. Another great post! Thank you so much for linking up. Fear of settling--a very good fear. We should never settle for anything. Also loved your quote on death. It was really powerful.