#Relentless

I signed up.  Enough thinking. Time to train. 
The agreement: We go as slow as the slowest team member. We work as a team. Even if it takes us 9 hours, we will all finish.  We will be relentless. 

This thing was created by the British Forces, huh?  Well, I've spent enough time telling cops where to go for a living. Time to pony up, show up, and shut up. 
I'll be the girl covered in water and mud, sucking down air and dust determined look in her eye and a smile that says "it hurts, but it's not the boss of me."
Through ice,  fire, mud, water, electric shock... look for #TeamRelentless this September in Tahoe.

one {step} at a time

“Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; 

just never give up."― Dean Karnazes

Exactly a year ago tonight, I was preparing for my first ever 5K.
Fitness, on most levels, has never really been my strong suit.  In fact, I went to see a military recruiter just out of high school  and after they told me that I needed to loose 20 lbs and start running,  I decided I was out.  Just like that.  Done-zo.  No military career for this gal cause she was too attached to her baby fat.
I always had an excuse:  "I'll do a 5k when I lose 10 lbs" "I don't have the lung capacity"  "I don't want my junk jiggling all over the place in public" #drama #liesItoldmyself
Then one day last year, my BFF from work and I decided we'd enter a group mud run and we'd train with a local 5K in a regional park a few weeks before. 
Our "easy" run, our first 5k, the "training run" on the trials we thought we knew  was the slipperiest, slidiest, messiest, muddiest adventure I had to date. When the torrential downpour would let up a few minutes at at time, we'd look at each other and just laugh and shake our heads. We paid to do this?!
It seemed like a cold rain soaked, wind blown, mud slung forever to the finish line but when I got there, to the end, more rewarding than the water or the bagels or the shelter or even the cool finishers medal,   was my sense of accomplishment, my long sought after to-do checked of my fitness bucket list .
A 5K a couple of years ago might as well have been climbing Mount Everest.  Today, it is quite literally a walk in the park.


Yeah, I still can't run the entire thing without having to stop and walk for a while. My thighs are still chubby and they still rub together. I still feel like hell for about a week after the long runs.  But ya know, I earned my right to call myself a runner.

Tomorrow, I will do my 10th organized run in a year. In the last year, I've run down 10Ks, 8 mile trail runs through the mountains,  and now I've got my eye set on a half-marathon and Tough Mudder.  Things I thought I'd never do. 
I just had to go back to basics and do like Nike is always saying. I just had to put one foot in front of the other.  Even if I had to say it in my head with each one,  I just had to take it one step at a time. Mind over matter over mud,  I just had to do it. 
Running & small goals like a 5K a month at a time remind me that anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

every day is a {new} blank page

My last day of work in this long work week.

A venti latte with an extra shot.

A mind full of ideas.

A heart full of desires.

Feeling nostalgic yet resolute,

void of deadlines or numbers,

with my pen to the paper and no chances to second guess

I made a list.

Be good to my body.

Be kind to my heart.

Pray (daily)

Write (often & honestly)

Smile (more)

Create (beauty)

Be thankful

&

Remember that every day is a new blank page in the story that is my life.

Each new page cannot exist without the one before it.

to me

to you

to a new year

{8} Mile

This ain't no Eminem story.  
As you might have read previously, back in March,  I did my first 5k and since then decided that I would do some version of an organized run  every month from then on for an entire year.  I'm 6 for 6 so far. Go me!
Why do a run a month?   No.   The question is: Why not?!

I like goals, but don't call them lofty just yet. Well, 1/2 lofty. 5k is only like 3.2 miles but the way I see it,  that's 5 more Ks than I have been doing previously ever and well,   if I'm ever going to meet that bucket list item of doing a full 26.2 marathon,  I gotta start somewhere right? 
I never get enough sleep.   It's just how things are in my world and I'm learning to cope.  When I do sleep and then it's time to get up, it looks like this: 

{ it's like my body is glued to the bed}

So Saturday I finally got out of bed and me and Lynn finally got going to Santa Cruz at 3pm. {only 3 hours later than we had originally talked about leaving} No biggie, there was no big rush.  

We talked a lot, we sang some songs (ok, I did most of the singing). There was the mandatory Starbucks trip and then there was a wall of traffic which was just a reminder to turn the radio up and roll the windows & sunroof back. 

{sunshine, sunroof, good company = good times}

Dead stopped, We tried to get everyone else in the cars around us to sing "My Sharona" with us, but no one wanted to play in our Reindeer Games.  Their loss.

We finally made it into Santa Cruz, found our sketchy little Inn, where they store all the extra furniture and decor out front by the "office", which is actually just is just a telephone number to a confused person who told us they left the key to our room under the mat in front of the door to the room where there were no pictures on the walls.  The "second" bedroom was really a rollaway in the living room right by the front window, where the fire alarm was disconnected, and there were 2x4s holding up the couch - which was described as "velvety and comfy" and "will suck you in like an SVU marathon".  

Uhhmm................

Deciding to flee the Bate's Motel get dinner,  we opted to spend the next couple of hours at the harbor and on the beach right at sunset, soaking up the last of the day, scaling the rock wall levee (carefully, in flip flops mind you) and taking about 157 pictures between two of us.   After neither one of us slid into the Pacific, we stuffed our faces at the Crow's Nest (which was classy and comfy and sucked us in like a hungry moth to a BBQ flame) before heading back to get some "sleep". 

Sleep.  Remember that thing that escapes me?  Yeah.   Neither do I and neither did Saturday night.  My August run was and ante-upper.   An 8-mile trail run.  That's the equivalent of a 12k. I'll see your 5k's and raise you 7ks, muuuwhhhaahahahaaaa!!!
8 miles on no sleep, with very little preparation, but just enough advice from Lynn on what eat to keep my energy up and keep myself hydrated for what I hoped would be less than a 3 hour trek. Running is not my forte. 
But you know what they say? Go big or go home. 
A quick breakfast on the way to carb up, we arrived at the start line about an hour early,   grabbed our gear, stretched, hydrated, and I used the bathroom like 7 times! At an all women's race, the bathroom was line was EPIC.  
Lynn was doing the half marathon, so she started 10 minutes earlier than I did.  Which left me solo and with my own motivation.

Start time 08:55 am, I took my place at the back of the pack where I remained for the next 2:16 hours.  I wasn't competing with anyone but myself.  In my book, showing up, taking time out of my hectically busy schedule, I had already won. 
Of the family, my brother, who ran ACROSS the country last year for Batten Disease, is the marathoner. I have always been the support driver, the finish line sign holder, the girl behind the scenes who didn't believe that she could step out of the sidelines and get INTO the race. 
Not anymore.  Hell.  Highwater. Doubt. Distance. None of that was going to keep me from finishing.

Source: naturalcuriosities.com via Lauren on Pinterest

Short of injuries, I was getting it done. I don't know what took over, but I did a lot of thinking out there on the trails.  I occasionally looked up at the break in the trees and felt the sun shining down on me as I kept a steady pace. 

I talked to Catie, who I dedicated my run to, who had the disease that my brother ran to raise awareness for.  Catie was a fighter and now she's an angel. I remembered how much she used to run as a child. I thought of my brother and all the miles he put in over 4.5 months. I smiled for all the times I skipped the gym or stayed in bed...today kicked the ass of all those days. I thought of the people in my life with failing health. I thought about a lot. A steady stream of sweat reminded me that this was no stroll in the park. Fire roads, steep trials with roots cut in that made their own natural steps, tripping hazards reminding me to keep my eyes on the ground and directly in front of me. My pony tail pulling some kind of wiper blade action across my back, it stuck to me just enough to keep my arms stretched back behind me occasionally to adjust it. 
I played the same songs over and over again this {one}, that {one}, this{one} again, this {one} really got me moving:  Sometimes you gotta push 
Though all your obstacles... No matter what the options are 
There is no lose , there is no fail 
LETS GO... We were born to run
I kept going as my lungs adjusted, I remembered my yoga breathing, and paid attention to Lynn's advice, fuel up about every 20 minutes, take this for cramps, take that for hydration.  Walk, run, walk, run, walk, run...the other ladies on the trail and the volunteers smiled and told me I was doing a good job, don't stop, you're almost there, you're doing a great job, keep going.
And so I did.  I kept going.   One step at at time, 1/4 mark, 1/2 mark, 2 miles left...and before I knew it, I made it.  Finished, the end, pulled out my headphones so I could hear them announce my name as I crossed the finish line. 

I texted my family, my mom, my best friends, and my trainer. 

"Done.  2:16 minutes, 8 miles.  I did it."

{this pro procrastinator did the damn thing!}

The rest of the day was kind of an exhausted, sleep-sick blur.  We made our way back to Downtown, grabbed a big lunch, bought a couple of beach towels, and then I laid out on the beach and fell asleep in 75* of sun beating down on me in the sand.  

Another long trip back and more great conversation, I got my mangled body home in one piece, calling off the early morning training session, got the back end of my shift covered, and slept for 17 glorious hours ...this is what straight out of hibernation looks like. Sunburnt and sore as all get out, but rested and completely accomplished.

Today, just short of 48 hours later, my body hurts every where.  I can feel that expanse in my lungs all stretched out when I laugh or cough. I'm moving slow.  Real slow. I feel it in my back, in my abs, in my obliques...its pain, but its good pain. It's the kind of pain you earn...it's sweet satisfaction of doing something you never thought you were capable of. 

Source: runforthethrill.tumblr.com via Lauren on Pinterest

So I went from 5 to 8 and now...now, what's next?  

I dunno, but stay tuned...it'll be good whatever it is. 

Dear {Friday} v.2

Dear Friday, 
Today is the day we shall affectionately call "The Day I saved myself from myself", today is the day I put the to-do list on hold, go to the beach, chill out in the sand, take some deep sea-side breaths, let it all go for a few hours, and just enjoy doing nothing.  Dear Mellissa, thanks for being my beach date today, it's gonna be great!! Dear Tylenol PM, I love you, you did me right last night. Dear body, you got a break this week, no training, but next week, oh yes, next week, no mercy.  None.  It's time to get back in the game.  Dear new followers, thanks for stopping by from the GFC Blog Hop this week, I tried to respond back to all of you, but I might have missed a couple.  Dear Melissa, thanks for being a great host yet again. Dear Amy, you are worth every cent and then some - coming home to a clean house is one of the best feelings in the world.  Dear Brother, thanks for coming over and fixing up the few things you did around the house even thought everything you touched cause something else to break, shatter, or fall, I think I still ended up ahead of the game. Dear Politics, we're gonna box this year, and it's gonna get messy. Dear Zac Brown Band, I LOVE your new CD, and that's pretty much it.  Love it. Will you marry me?   Dear Big & Rich, I don't make it to watching music videos much these days, but this video and this song, well, I've always loved your sound and this one is just another one of my favorites. Dear Sky, you continue to amaze me and take my breath away. Dear heart, yes, that beating, feeling thing in my chest you, you're quite a muscle, huh?  The things that make you beat, the things you can and can't let go, the things that you endure through and come out better for, well, sometimes I don't know how you do it, but you do and you continue to surprise me. Faith.Hope.Love. 
"...I'm only one person, but I can feel it working, that's why I pray... I believe in better days."
Happy, happy Friday to you all,  <3

this {picture} will remain

I was up all night but the morning meetings had yet to begin there was barely enough time to rest my eyes staring at the clock wishing it would roll back wards instead of steadily forward afraid to sleep past the alarm, rest never came
I found myself rushing out the door  again kicking myself for being short on time and hating the feeling that brings every time every.time there's just not enough time in the day
racing.pacing.plotting her course body hurting, mind tired, exhaustedly questioning my agenda
and then the light caught my eye grumblings ceased as a I reached for my camera the first shot was missed, I had barely a minute to spare, but I made it count circled around and found the horizon again 

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim His handiwork.
{Psalm 19:1}

#nofilter this is as much justice as a picture can give to a breathtaking morning
I could fill albums with the pictures I've taken with one hand on the wheel  and the other hand holding my camera  I could dedicate a entire volume just to the masterpieces created by light and clouds
this morning  even for just the briefest pause of a moment in an otherwise jaggedly scheduled day
 I stopped. 
I paused for a few breaths and drank in the sunshine I smiled at the clouds I felt the warmth of the blazing hot August morning drift in through the open windows
the rest of my day, it crumbled it was interrupted sleep hurried phone calls political debates passionate arguments about what is fundamentally right staunch debate about who's going to be the right person to carry that message  who will lead us collectively, consciously, honestly
in a few years,  all the words I expelled today, all the opinions, all the worry and stress they will be nothing but a memory
but this picture will remain 

paint {fumes} & Pandora

I searched for moments of peace this weekend. 

I searched with intention.

I sought them out like it was a treasure hunt and I had the map with the X that marked the spot.

I found a few moments in likely and unlikely places.

I found one at the gym, both headphones tightly tucked in, drowning out the world around me. I stared across the street, across the 20-lanes of traffic merging in the intersection outside of my fishbowl of a gym.  I locked my gaze in on a flag waving in the early morning breeze, and then I turned up the pace to 9.5 miles per minute (a huge feat for me).  I am not a runner by any means, so I had to let all thoughts but "keep going" and "don't stop you're almost there" take the lead.  There was no room left for stray thoughts, for anything other than focus, and just those two simple thoughts to fill my head.  One quick step and one relentless drop of sweat at at time, I chased down  3.21 miles of simplicity. 

Walk.run.walk.run.walk.run...just don't give up.

I didn't give up, so I rewarded my sore back and body with a massage.  A very likely place to find some peace, but surprisingly, sometimes this is the hardest place to not let my mind wander.  The music helps, and this Bach track especially, which I have yet to hear too many times.

1. push play
2. close your eyes
3. listen

 I found another long and extended one in this paint bucket which I have yet to part with, for my room is big, the walls are thirsty, and the interruptions were not kind, but I got a good start and the transformation has begun.  This chore has been on my to-do list for years now.  Years. It'll just be a few more days of Paint Fumes & Pandora, and Al Green Radio will keep me company again, but in the end, the walls will have a new life and the room will have a new intention.

{I always paint barefoot 'cause I can always feel it on the bottom of my foot before I manage to track it all across the floor one wet footstep at a time.}

Interior semi-gloss paint not to hold the sole title for peaceful transformations for the weekend, I took my Summer sandaled feet  in for some TLC.  As I sat there in the massage chair, I set my phone in the bottom of my purse {after my picture proof of course} and picked up a book.  Even if only 30 minutes at a time, it's 30 minutes in the positive.

Finally, the prompt to write this post, because I fell in love with a new site, with a collection of words, and a poet. I fell hard. I fell in love and lust. Again. When it comes to these kinds of inspirations, I am not a selfish lover. I knew I had to share, and so I will:

Tyler Knott

{link}

A wordsmith after my very own beating heart.
Oh, to write love letters like he does.
Oh, to receive love letters like the ones he pens.
I wondered who is the lucky someone who is his muse?
I read. I thought. I reminisced. I wondered. I read some more.


And now I have sat here, speechless, but only to read out loud the words my eyes were soaking in like the walls that drank in paint this weekend.

{link}

Next week, I may find my moments of peace and calm in a sunset or a glass of wine or a rock song, for I have come to find that solitude is what we make it.  It's not a zip code, it's a state of mind.

simply me,
~ Lauren