Tuesday, January 29, 2013

dream a {new} dream

Why am I battling with myself to post something already?
Where did these lame self-imposed restrictions come from that I have to be
planned, polished, spell-checked, or scheduled before I can write about my life?
What is going on?
Well, I'll tell you real quick like.
I'm sitting here bored with my life (I know, how ungrateful!) planning my something/anything months in advance
but equally despising that it's already nearly the end of January and the year is ticking away.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
{I might also be despising that I'll be 32 in a few short months.}
I'm currently surrounded by paperwork...a mass of paperwork.
~ Enrollment for an Dispatch Academy Instructor Course which...yes, I want to become an instructor -
I have years of experience, I have stories to tell, I still have passion for what I do.
~ Education reimbursement forms to get paid (yes, paid!) to complete my BS in Business/Marketing
(do you suppose I've completed any homework that I can get handsomely paid to complete?
~ Tax paperwork (show me the monay!)
~ Customer Service homework
& the humdinger:
The Authentic Dreaming Worksheet
An excerpt or two:
"...but what if your dreams are to live simply?"
"You cannot stop dreaming. You must, you must, you simply must dream a new dream."
My computer has a slew of open tabs,
I can't decide if I want to cook or travel or create or go to yoga...
I want to do them all.
I just know that I'm again in this spot where I feel like I am:
1) on the verge of tears
2) on the verge of a breakthrough
3) on the verge of a genius/epiphany
4) on the verge of a long nap
This is comfortable and unfamiliar at the same time.
This {tune} has been humming in my head all day long
& then, just on cue, a good friend sent me this:
& what, in the hell, Lauren, do cowboy tunes have to do with anything?
Every damn thing, because the slew of paperwork, the maxed calendar of events,
the travel miles, and the A.D.D. brain are just a cover up for that {simple} that I dream of.
My dreams are not outlandish.
They're way more country than rock and roll.
They're simple.
I'd "settle" for a cowboy, a little piece or land, some plants to water,
some animals to feed, some little ones to plan my week around, an little studio to get lost in where creatvity bursts all over the walls onto cards and canvas and into journals.
I would.
I could.
I want to.
I can plan and stack and sort through the paperwork of my reality all I want to, but when it all boils down, my dreams are my dreams and there's no escaping that they're not going anywhere, anytime soon.

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