{bold}: a bio

I don't know where to start.  My brain is on total overload.  I spent this weekend in a space overflowing with inspiration.  A Writing Workshop with by writing crush, Alexandra Franzen.
I can't go into how the dots are connecting for me right now.  I don't think I even fully undertand it yet. 
But what I can share and what I did complete for the weekend is this: An updated definition of who I am.  This is me,  Mad Libs style: 
Make no mistakes, she's got some mojo a-workin', this girl. Just like her tattoos, she wears her heart on her sleeve.
Lauren Coughlan believes:  that conversations should be fearless and questions should be bold.  As a 911 operator, she's a full time chaos wrangler, but what you really should know... is that she's a writer who speaks from her heart and a photographer who believes in the beauty of a timeless image. Her work has been called honest and authentic.
In her spare time, she can be found travelling the globe trying to quench her wanderlust, inhaling calm on her yoga mat, or wrestling with her adopted German Shepherd who every day makes her wonder who really rescued who?   She invites you to be part of her crazy, beautiful life,  so Go! Quick! Now! Find her at: me & my beautifulmess.blogspot.com 

I {need} to

SuperHero name tags stuck to my fingers the room smells like glue YouTube play lists fill the room with melodies  and...memories that are still sharp as a knife too many weeks of silence  A pile of scraps keeps gathering at my feet a mess a {beautiful} mess...gathering on the floor beneath me this humming gets a little louder with every.single.song

It's almost 2am and I'm safe, here in my cocoon safe in the walls that I call home the same walls where I grew up gloriously alone has been exactly what I needed this last year and a half 

I need to create I need to hear I need to feel

dream a {new} dream

Why am I battling with myself to post something already? Where did these lame self-imposed restrictions come from that I have to be planned, polished, spell-checked, or scheduled before I can write about my life? What is going on?   Well, I'll tell you real quick like.   I'm sitting here bored with my life (I know, how ungrateful!) planning my something/anything months in advance but equally despising that it's already nearly the end of January and the year is ticking away. Tick-tock, tick-tock. {I might also be despising that I'll be 32 in a few short months.}  

Source: colorflystudio.blogspot.com via Lauren on Pinterest

    I'm currently surrounded by paperwork...a mass of paperwork.   ~ Enrollment for an Dispatch Academy Instructor Course which...yes, I want to become an instructor - I have years of experience, I have stories to tell, I still have passion for what I do. ~ Education reimbursement forms to get paid (yes, paid!) to complete my BS in Business/Marketing (do you suppose I've completed any homework that I can get handsomely paid to complete? No.) ~ Tax paperwork (show me the monay!) ~ Customer Service homework   & the humdinger: The Authentic Dreaming Worksheet An excerpt or two: "...but what if your dreams are to live simply?" "You cannot stop dreaming. You must, you must, you simply must dream a new dream."   My computer has a slew of open tabs, I can't decide if I want to cook or travel or create or go to yoga... I want to do them all.   I just know that I'm again in this spot where I feel like I am:   1) on the verge of tears 2) on the verge of a breakthrough 3) on the verge of a genius/epiphany 4) on the verge of a long nap   This is comfortable and unfamiliar at the same time.   This {tune} has been humming in my head all day long & then, just on cue, a good friend sent me this:  

  & what, in the hell, Lauren, do cowboy tunes have to do with anything?   Well...everything.  Every damn thing, because the slew of paperwork, the maxed calendar of events, the travel miles, and the A.D.D. brain are just a cover up for that {simple} that I dream of.   My dreams are not outlandish. They're way more country than rock and roll. They're simple.   I'd "settle" for a cowboy, a little piece or land, some plants to water, some animals to feed, some little ones to plan my week around, an little studio to get lost in where creatvity bursts all over the walls onto cards and canvas and into journals.   I would. I could. I want to.   I can plan and stack and sort through the paperwork of my reality all I want to, but when it all boils down, my dreams are my dreams and there's no escaping that they're not going anywhere, anytime soon.   {*sigh*}

{just} because

Busy is as busy does and I've missed a couple of posts that I meant  to get up in the last week or so.  Today seems like a perfect day to play catch up! If you haven't had a chance  yes, check out Operation Beautiful,  Hosted by Shane {Whispering Sweet Nothings}. It's a great opportunity for a little self-reflection,  and a gentle reminder to appreciate who we are as women.
My opinions on what I think is beautiful, heck my opinion of myself, is an evolution.  I don't necessarily feel beautiful day-in day-out,  but I'm learning to see myself through other people's eyes,  be more forgiving and less of my own worst critic.  Seriously, girls, we are harder on ourselves than we should be!
My entry for Operation Beautiful IV: 

My other little catch-up for the week is for the last Jewelry Swap hosted by Melissa  {Life of a Not So Ordinary House Wife}
I had a nice shift change weekend/Labor Day weekend and when I finally got around to checking the mail, I found these awesome, and brand new feather earrings in my mailbox from Marissa {Everyday Lounge Act}. Thanks Marissa!!!
You see I have a Las Vegas trip coming up and they are a perfect match  for the outrageous skirt I bought to wear out.  

I'm going for a Las Vegas Neon Sign look.  We've decided that I shall be called Tropicana the night I don this outfit.   Or Tropical Thunder. It's still being discussed... Yup. Hot (yeah girl) neon mess.   Meow.  So yeah... Viva Las Vegas & Happy Thursday to you all!!! <3

this {picture} will remain

I was up all night but the morning meetings had yet to begin there was barely enough time to rest my eyes staring at the clock wishing it would roll back wards instead of steadily forward afraid to sleep past the alarm, rest never came
I found myself rushing out the door  again kicking myself for being short on time and hating the feeling that brings every time every.time there's just not enough time in the day
racing.pacing.plotting her course body hurting, mind tired, exhaustedly questioning my agenda
and then the light caught my eye grumblings ceased as a I reached for my camera the first shot was missed, I had barely a minute to spare, but I made it count circled around and found the horizon again 

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim His handiwork.
{Psalm 19:1}

#nofilter this is as much justice as a picture can give to a breathtaking morning
I could fill albums with the pictures I've taken with one hand on the wheel  and the other hand holding my camera  I could dedicate a entire volume just to the masterpieces created by light and clouds
this morning  even for just the briefest pause of a moment in an otherwise jaggedly scheduled day
 I stopped. 
I paused for a few breaths and drank in the sunshine I smiled at the clouds I felt the warmth of the blazing hot August morning drift in through the open windows
the rest of my day, it crumbled it was interrupted sleep hurried phone calls political debates passionate arguments about what is fundamentally right staunch debate about who's going to be the right person to carry that message  who will lead us collectively, consciously, honestly
in a few years,  all the words I expelled today, all the opinions, all the worry and stress they will be nothing but a memory
but this picture will remain 

I am just {me}

Well hi there,

I’m Lauren.

 But my friends, well, they call me Lolo, or Lo, or LC.

There's a few things about me you should know.  
You can do it fast, and click {here} for the stats.
Or you can keep reading, and I'll tell you a little story.

I'm thirty…{one} and proud of it. The way I see it, it’s an unapologetic place to be. 

I’ve got a lot of living and learning left to do, but you know, what I’ve come to realize over the last few years and certainly through the school of hard knocks that was my 20's is that when the music stops, the dust settles,  and the sun goes down:

I am just me.

I am a story still being written, unfiltered, flawed, imperfectly yet perfectly one-of-a-kind, 

& very firm believer that the best is yet to come.

I am a 911 operator and Police/Fire Dispatcher going on 10 years now.

I was a Police Cadet/Intern for 5 years prior to that, so yes, that is half of my lifetime and I do bleed Blue.  Starting my career very early has turned out to be bittersweet.  

It has heavily shaped and formed my opinion of the world and the way that I see life in general. 

I won’t lie to you: public service is hard, some days more than others…but it is rewarding. 

It’s the selfish, mean ugliness & evil of humankind.

But…it’s also the miracles, the Good Samaritans, being in the right place at the right time,
 and the chance to work with some of the most selfless men & women who are every day willing to give 
and, unfortunately, have given their lives for others. 

"Greater love has no man than this, 
that he lay down his life for another."
John 15:13 

So hey, while we’re at it, because I am subject to the scrutiny:
 this blog and the opinions shared herein are solely mine and do not reflect those of my employer. 

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, why am I here?

I got stories lemme tell ya.
 I try to find the funny in it all, and well-placed sarcasm is my second language. 
I am passionate for finding the right words to describe life, 
to create laughter, tears, or comfort.  
I am a communicator by trade and I am a writer by heart. 

I owe my love of writing to Mrs. Johnson, a teacher who not only broke the mold, but made the mold.  She is the teacher that teachers should aspire to be.  She saw talent and passion and "brilliance", as she called it, in me when I was floundering as a student who could barely string a sentence together.   She saved me and she will always be a cornerstone in the foundation that has allowed me to be successful in my life since then.

Am I new to blogging?  No. Not exactly.
I have "blogged" (see: poured my heart out) for about 4 years now.  

But I didn’t publicize it very widely.  In fact, only a handful of my friends knew I was writing, some of my best friends only found out very recently. 
My blogger beginnings: Karma's Punchline is my heart on my sleeve, my online journal, my catharsis, my therapy, my best friend, my bucket list, my mirror, and now it's what's become part of the road map of how I arrived to my here and now.  

Linking it here for you all, my new, bigger audience, well it's like leaving your diary open on the kitchen table because you're not ashamed or afraid to let your loved ones in.  
It's something you grow into I suppose.  

So, why a new blog?  

Source: middlenameconfused.tumblr.com via Lauren on Pinterest

Well, I figured it was time for a new chapter.  I struggled with even creating a new blog for fear of abandoning my last 4 years worth of my heart in phrase, in prose, and in the reading between those lines, but then I came to realize that that blog will always be there for me.  
It's like going back home, or going to grandma's house.  
It's the familiar, the foundation, the good memories, the place you can be yourself, vulnerable, happy, lackluster...
it will always be there, my landmark, my North Star in writing to remind me about a girl that I used to be and a woman I aspire to become. 

 I decided to start this blog, about Me & My Beautiful Mess as a new challenge and a new chapter and jumped in with both feet.  I found a certain excitement in the Blogger world that I kept running across as of late.  I wanted to share with these crafty women (and a few good men) who are creating a community through shared stories, creative endeavors, and public peeks into their every lives.  
I've found time and time again that good stories, good blogs, they're like hearing good lyrics, the ones in the songs that come on when you least expect it and the words, well they feel like they were written just for you - a reassurance that you're not the only one who thought, felt, or wanted something you couldn't quite verbalize.  
What are our words, our stories, and our lives, if we cannot share them with each other?  

What is this blog about? 
I really struggled with that in the last few weeks.  After years of not giving a second thought about my given topic and letting my heart guide my fingertips over the keyboard, I had a little panic attack about what I would or could or should write here in this chapter in my life.
What's my niche?  Photography, cooking, weight loss, fashion, humor, being single, travel, music...gaaahh!!! Just pick one already!!!  I started to get panicky and then I had a little back to Jesus talk with myself (literally at one point during the last couple of months, I was on my knees, physically, praying for some kind of relief, understanding, and comfort for a number of things in my life) and  so I put myself in check.   Get it together kid!  


I have this other thought and idea that I've formed on my own but also read that others are struggling with too.  
A thought that blogging is narcissistic (for lack of a better word), it's self-indulgent, that it's motives should be questioned.  

Well, to that I say this, that could go for everything in life.   
Questioning your motives isn't a bad thing. 
 One of the best practices I've learned from yoga is to set your intention. 
Why do we indulge in the things we put our well placed time and effort into?  
It's true, you only live once (yeah, *groan* YOLO, well in my case LOLO, ha!), so manage your time wisely.  
Having encountered that thought made me really question my intentions
but then, ah-ha!, you see I came to my senses and went back to what I already knew, 
what I was already well versed in writing about.
 My "niche" is life.  
My life.
The good, the bad, the ugly, the mess. 
The moments I'm most proud of, the ones that I'm ashamed of, 
the ones that make me giggle like a school girl, 
and cry until the tears run dry.

{source}

My life, not unlike all of yours, is full and busy.
I can't make promises to blog as often as maybe I should, to always be politically correct,
to refrain from cursing when it's applicable,
 to link up every week, or even remember to hit spell check some days, 
but what I can promise is that you'll get honesty & sincerity,
laughter & levity, frustration & hope, and downright silliness.
I promise that I'll write about the things that make my heart beat, 
and that you'll not only get the highlight reel but the outtakes.

You know, those scenes that start to scroll on the big screen after the credits roll, 
the ones that you walk back in the theatre for and sit down to laugh at?  
Yeah, those too.
Cause jeeze, you know, you have to laugh at those messy moments in life,
the unpredictable ones, the unscripted gag reel that is maybe embarrassing sometimes, but is oh so relatable. 
It's some of those shared moments that have brought me the best friendships of my life.

 Let's just all find some ways to laugh with each other, ok?
 And since my middle initials are D.R.,I feel like I have the right to hand out this one Rx:
Laughter is a great medicine, maybe even healthier than an apple a day,
let's indulge and if someone questions that you're partaking in it too much,
well just tell them that Lolo said it was ok.

So with love & laughter I hope you'll join me in this thing well all call Life:

Sincerely, honestly, messily yours, 

Spinning!

Today I feel like I"m on a broken Tilt-a-Whirl.

{pin}

Like everything is spinning, I'm seated, strapped in and holding on to the safety bars, but the damn thing just won't stop.

I think if I just type this out and get it out of my head, I'll feel better.

I know I do this to myself.  I know it's the middle of the Summer. I know that if I can get through to the end of this weekend, It'll slow down. 

My to-do list sprouted little baby to-do lists.

I can't seem to get anything done around the house.

Yes, working graveyard 12-hour shifts is a blessing and a curse.

This weekend I know I'm going to have a great time and I'm gonna see tons of people I love and meet some new ones I'll like I'm sure.

I just had to vent a little bit. 

Not to be ungrateful, cause lemme tell you, this is gonna be one hell of an awesome weekend, but do you ever have those moments?  What do you do?

{PS, especially if you're one of those awesome bloggers I've just started following...how do you keep up with it all, how do you do it? Any tips or tricks?}

Sleep, check out, drink, vent, get a pedicure, hide, cry, take a long shower, drive away? 

or D) all of the above?

Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe!!

Ok...I feel a little bit better. 

PS - really, I can't wait to share about my weekend in pictures, in blogs, and in person with some of you who read this. 

In advance, thank you for being part of what is yet to come!!

~ Lauren

PPS, Spinning and all, today, I linked up for the GFC Blog Hop and peeped at some new blog lovlies.

Lovely

After reading today's Monday post from Bits of Splendor, I had intentions to share something else as my bit of spendor for the week, but then this song came on and I knew I had to share this instead.

It's another "love at first sound" song delivered to me courtesy of Pandora. 

{looking for late night writing inspiration, I put on Adele Radio and it didn't disappoint, not one bit}

For all us women, girls, ladies who occasionally and sometimes unexpectedly get distracted by our mirror images, in the labels sewed into the backs of our clothing,

or just the constant social stream & pressure of what is "sexy" or "trendy"

what make us "it-girls" and directs us on what  we "must have",

just listen to this melody, read these lyrics

let them silence that often sneaky voice of doubt, of self-concious, of ugly, of comparison

let these lyrics remind you of Who and in Whose image we were all created

I don't wanna be her
I just want to be little old me
Shouldn't have to think
Who am I suppose to be today
And what give you the right
To tell me who I should be
Who gave you that right

Cause I, I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I know you want the best
Yeah only good things for me
But you have to realize
I can't be all these things you project on me
Cause I'm beautiful to me
Doesn't that mean a thing

I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I need that to be enough for you
Need that to be enough for you
Cause it's enough for me
It's enough for me

Am I suppose to give up everything I am
Just to make you happy
I thought I was the one you
Always wanted me to be
It turns out I'm just little old me
I'm just little old me
And that's fine by me

Cause I, I am lovely
Just the way that I am
Oh yes I am,
Yes I am lovely
The way that I am
I am lovely lovely
I am lovely

{source}





This is my bit of Splendor that I share with you.
I hope you remember to be lovely just the way you are today.

~ Lauren

Stand {UP}: a Declaration of Independence

I have to.
I have to write.
I've gotta say it now before my mind remembers something else in it's place.

A constant stream of Furious thoughts in my head right now like, they're like…fireworks.

Fireworks.

That's exactly what they're like! 

On this early morning Fourth of July, my mind is alive with thoughts like fireworks in the night sky.

They hit me with a loud BOOM {hey, listen up!!!}

I see their light, their beauty, their sparkle...

I stare up with awe and wonder as I'm trying desperately to capture them fast enough and inscribe them here before they burn out and fall to the Earth.

I'm committed to this 30-day photo challenge on instagram…so far so good, just on day 3. 

 I did pretty good a couple of years ago on the 365 picture a year challenge…I only fizzled out towards the end of the year.  30 days?  Pussshaww. Done.

I'll do it.  I can't not do it.  It's what I do.  I see the details, the light, the shadows, the irony, the hidden messages waiting to be seen, the symbiosis, the answers to prayer, the sorrow, the beauty…

I see it all, I can't shut my eyes to it, close my ears, or turn off my mind.

I have friends and family that get annoyed with it..with the constant picture taking, 

 the recording of the saying and the notes into my iphone or scratching them out onto whatever piece of paper I can get my hands on.
Blogging.  Huh? What's that? 
I've kept it to myself until now.

Why do I do it?
Well, I do these things for me & for all of us;

for now & for the point in the future when we'll want to look back because memory failed us or someone was gone but then in the words, in the lines, in the images, we find them and ourselves again.

  We find our roadmap to how we arrived at our present, find a dream that lost its wings and needs to be revived, we remind ourselves of who we used to be and who we are still.

I am the keeper of my dreams, the recorder of my memories, the chronicler of my adventures

My life is a novel, these are my chapters - it’s a storybook, a thesis, a photo spread.

I had this conversation with my dear, sweet friend last night - her and I, an ocean apart, never having "met" IRL, but finding we share the same ideas & feelings simultaneously:

I want to tune out, but I can't.  It's not who I am. 

My to do list.  I can't even show you. 

You might break out in hives or get sweaty like I do when I look at it.

I have a hard time saying no.

Despite that...I can't stop writing, I can't stop taking like a million pictures with my iphone at every turn. Literally, at.every.turn. 

I could fill an entire album of pictures with the photos I've taken with my phone in one hand
& the steering wheel in the other.

I keep saying that it's my struggle to live in this day, in this moment and just when I think I have a handle on it, BAM!, I feel kind of overwhelmed. 

but I'm not sinking, I'm not.

I'm kind of floundering some days, but I'm always afloat

 all this struggle, it is making me stronger.  

I refuse to sink. 

 I refuse.

In the midst of this ramble I had been writing, I had this: The Crazies' Manifesto {written exquisitely by Andrea Balt, she's brilliant} delivered to me by my friend and fellow blogger Lynn; someone who gets me, she knows me well, she understands my words and just said this to me today:

"One of the things I think you've managed to do (well, there are so many but speaking to this point) is become more aware of each moment as it is occurring. Living in the moment, being more present."

STOP. Stop here and read the Manifesto before you go any further. 

Call it a commandment, a requirement, a prescription. 
You have to read this, you have to listen to the song embedded in the text…you have to before you go any further. Step into it and maybe you'll understand what I'm about to say.

These words, beautiful, fluid…they were love at first sight.  It's like sunshine for my soul. 

This Manifesto..it's a life raft, a parachute, an AED. 

Its like......nitroglycerine.

Do you know how nitroglycerine works?

Absorbed rapidly, improving blood flow, stopping the heart ache, lowering the blood pressure,

halting the oxygen-deprived destruction before it's too late. 
Life.saving.

I read the manifesto…I couldn’t read it fast enough. 
I was reading like I had just finished a race and I was at the end, hunched over, hands on my knees, sweat pouring off my brow, my lungs sucking in oxygen, but instead of air, it was words, I was reading the words like I couldn’t get enough air, I couldn’t pull them in fast enough.
 {breathe damn it!!!}

{yes, this picture again, but guess what?  this is my blog and this is my tattoo and I love it}

These words from, The Manifeto - they just woke me up.

"And if, say you’re somewhat lonely—though not alone, somewhat sad—though not broken, and somewhat tired—though wide awake and restless, please stand up.
Take a deep breath. Clear your throat. Look your Self in the eyes. Place your hand over your beaten heart. And let’s declare our independence from the norm."


I am standing up. 
I'm standing up every time I open my eyes after I sleep. 

I'm standing up with every deliberate keystroke of my furious fingers.

I'm very much standing up every time I am down on my knees asking, begging, praying for comfort, for peace, for forgiveness, for understanding. 

I am standing up every.single.time. I tie my laces or put on my game face for my health.

Every tear, I'm standing up. 

Every deep breath and bead of sweat, be it hot yoga, a hike in the hills, or a spin around the dancefloor.

I sat in a chair on my birthday, but I was really standing up…

I had a message emblazoned on my arm for me and me alone. 

I know that I'll never stop standing up even if I need a reminder to keep breathing.

I know me.  I know that I am that woman who stands up. 

I was that girl that stood up to get where I am today.

Damn it, I am standing up like Norma Rea.

{source}

As I read, my mind said these things in response:

1. Curious…it's the definition of childhood, it's what we loose when we get "old".  I refuse.  I refuse to stop wondering. I refuse to stop wandering.  

2.  My heartache…I pray for him even with our words silent and gone -  the others I forgive too…my heart is too big, it beats too strong to shrivel up and turn black

3. I always wish on shooting stars. "Why not?" a friend used to call me that..not by my name but she referred to me as "Why not?, what shall we do today?"

4. My words, I know their worth, their comfort, their torment, their pricelesness

5. Have no regrets, even if saying "I love you" is not met with "..and I love you too"

I will not waste my heart on those who don't deserve it, but I will not be afraid to set my feelings free, to breathe life into them and let them live outside of my heart

6. yes, yes, and yes…I will be present in it all

7. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

8. I see this whole world in word and in pictures - I can create art from trash and treasures from scraps…

I was born with creativity in my veins.

9. "Your Word, it is a lamp unto my feet and a light for my path." Pslam 119:105

10. I will stand behind and next to crazy, I will look back at it when it stares at me in the mirror

My brother…he RAN ACROSS THE UNITED STATES! 

Why?  "Why not?!"  He did.  I saw it with my own two eyes, the start line, the finish, the in-between…

he said "I am going to run across the US"  Then he did it. 

This time last year, he was at the end of it, making his dream his reality.

11.  This is what I leave you, this is what I leave behind, my pictures, my words, my feelings in prose, the lyrics to the soundtrack that is my life

{pin}

Aaahh, yes, it's crazy - but crazy makes my world go round. 

It's a mess. 

But (ah-ha! that's what it's all about), its my mess, and in the piles of clean laundry that never get in the drawers or on the hangers, in the stacks of dishes that are starting to get a little "fragrant", in the clutter that shifts side to side in my car as I turn corners racing from one event to the next, and in the constantly turning hamster wheel that is my brain, it is MY mess. 

It is MY beautifully messy mess. 

I just gave this piece of advice to my friend, moments after reading The Manifesto, my new creedo.

 Telling me that she was nervous for an art showing, so full of talent yet so full of self-doubt, I told her this:

Don't ever stop being nervous when you're sharing a part of you, what defines you, what makes your life your own...but be comfortable with nervous.

Expect nervous like it's a the one you love that still gives you butterflies everytime you see him or look into his eyes…the one who not only leaves you breathless but is the only one you can breathe easy with.

Treat it like the one that you want to write love letters to, the one whose arms you don’t want to leave, the one who your thoughts wander to throughout the day.

Be nervous to lose him, just don't wait until it's too late

and he's gone before you realize what you had.

 This is it.

This is my one {our} chance at this thing we call life. 

I believe in eternal life, but for this one on Earth, right now,

I gotta take it both hands on the wheel {and camera} and foot on the gas and goooo!!!

I will not have it any other way.

So call me crazy, but:

I. Am. Standing. Up.

Will you too? 

On this very Independence Day will you put one hand on your heart and raise the other?  

Will you Stand.UP with me?

Will you take the Unapologetic Declaration of Crazy with me?

I dare you.  I dare you to move.  I dare you to breathe.  I dare you to Stand UP.